What Do You Feel When You Look At Me?
by tinylexie
Summary: Lucius and Narcissa go through many different emotions in their relationship. Will both their friendship and their love be able to survive? Snapshots of Lucius's and Narcissa's life together from their Hogwarts days to after the Second Wizarding War.
1. Desire

**Author's Note****: This was inspired by a Lucissa story that is being written by AnnaChase, "Behind Closed Doors: A Portrait of the Malfoy Family." ****So far, I have not addressed the sex in Lucius's and Narcissa's relationship, so I'm going to do that now. This story, though, is going to be about more than just Lucius and Narcissa having sex all the time. Sex is just one part of this story. **

**Additional Author's Note: Rated M for sexual content and for mentions of past rape and child abuse.**

**Additional Author's Note: There will be references to other stories I have written, in particular the stories from my Dead Babies series (see my profile for the full list of stories) and my story "You Will Always Be My Favorite."**

**Additional Author's Note****: This will be a multi-chapter story.**

* * *

They were friends long before they were lovers. They had been arranged to be married since they were babies, but they still began as simply very good friends.

If you were to ask them, neither would have been able to pinpoint the exact moment when their feelings for each other went from friendship to something much more.

Even before they had started Hogwarts, Lucius and Narcissa had often spent time alone with each other. However, nothing sexual had never occurred between them. Not because they didn't like each other, because they most certainly did, but they just didn't like each other in that way.

Lucius's and Narcissa's relationship was built on a mutual respect for each other. They were able to debate and discuss various subjects without ever causing the other to feel offended or insulted. Also, they felt safe sharing things with the other that they would never consider sharing with anyone else. They were close, but they weren't close in the physical sense.

That all changed one night.

* * *

It began regularly enough. Lucius was helping Narcissa to study for her O.W.L.s.

"I give up," Narcissa suddenly cried in frustration. "I'm rubbish at Potions, and nothing is going to change that."

"You're not rubbish at Potions," Lucius replied soothingly.

"But I'm not as good as you," Narcissa responded.

"Perhaps," Lucius returned, shifting uncomfortably (which was a common reaction for him whenever Narcissa doubted her abilities), "but your Charm work is better than mine."

"There's nothing wrong with your Charm work, Lucius," Narcissa insisted.

"But I'm not as good as you," Lucius grinned.

Narcissa could not help but grin back.

"All right," Lucius then said, "let's get back to work."

* * *

Lucius watched Narcissa closely as she recited the ingredients that were necessary to brew a Polyjuice Potion.

Lucius suddenly felt something stiffening in his pants.

It was not a new feeling. Lucius had come to know the same feeling with the Dark Lord, who had often come into his bedroom in the middle of the night when he had been a young child.

Lucius remembered how the Dark Lord had once ordered him to hold his penis. It had been very stiff.

Just like Lucius's penis was at the current moment.

But Lucius had never enjoyed his sessions with the Dark Lord. So, why was he feeling such pleasure from just sitting beside Narcissa? This was not the first time he had ever sat beside her. Why was things suddenly so different?

* * *

Narcissa could feel Lucius's eyes on her, but that was nothing new. They often had their eyes on each other, especially when they were studying.

But all of a sudden, something felt different.

Narcissa glanced over at Lucius and noticed that he was staring at her with an almost entranced expression on his face.

Narcissa felt something catch in her throat. She also felt a strange feeling inside her stomach. Neither feeling was unpleasant.

Before she realized what she was doing, Narcissa began to move closer to Lucius.

* * *

It was very dark in the Common Room, almost as dark as it had been when the Dark Lord had come to visit him in his bedroom.

For a moment, it wasn't Narcissa that Lucius was seeing coming closer to him. It was the Dark Lord.

Lucius felt his penis stiffen even more.

_No!_ Lucius screamed in his head. _I don't like this! I don't want this!_

Lucius quickly shot off the couch where he had been sitting with Narcissa. He then made a quick exit out of the Common Room.

* * *

Narcissa was completely confused. Lucius had been looking so eager, and she had felt just as eager as he had looked.

No, eagerness was not the right word to describe what they had both been feeling.

She had felt aroused, and it had been clear to her that Lucius had felt the same way. Well, he had felt the same way until he had suddenly taken off.

Narcissa could not understand at all why Lucius had did that. It was almost as if he had suddenly been scared of her.

And that didn't make sense at all. She had never been afraid of him, and she had always thought that he wasn't afraid of her either.

Had she thought wrong?

Had she done the wrong thing when she had started to move closer to him?

But he had been looking so aroused.

And Narcissa had been feeling so aroused.

For a moment, Narcissa considered going after Lucius to make sure that he was all right. But then she decided that probably wouldn't be a wisest move for her to make. Lucius was clearly struggling with something, and Narcissa's presence (instead of being comforting like it usually was) would only at the current moment make things worse for him.

Narcissa decided to remain on the couch and to wait for Lucius to return.

Narcissa picked up her Potions textbook, which had fallen to the floor at some point when she had been drawing nearer and nearer to Lucius.

She then attempted to read about the Polyjuice Potion, but she found herself unable to concentrate.

All she could think about was Lucius. A part of her was completely confused. But another part of her was upset that Lucius didn't want her in the same way she wanted him.

Wait, when had that happened? Just minutes ago, they had been studying, which was nothing new for them.

But now everything was different, and Narcissa could not explain when or why things had suddenly changed.

* * *

Lucius was some distance away from the Slytherin Common Room before he finally stopped running.

Lucius then looked around. He looked to be alone. He had managed to lose the Dark Lord.

Wait, what? What would the Dark Lord be doing at Hogwarts?

Lucius tried to remember what had happened. He had been studying with Narcissa.

Narcissa.

It had been Narcissa who had been coming towards him, not the Dark Lord.

And Lucius had ran away from her as if she had been something disgusting.

What did she think of him now?

Lucius closed his eyes and pictured Narcissa in his mind. He had always considered her beautiful, but now her beauty meant something different to him. Her beauty was now making him desire her.

Lucius suddenly became aware of the fact that his penis was still stiff. No, it was even stiffer now than it had been before he had ran from the Common Room.

He still wanted it, and he wanted to do it with Narcissa.

And he wasn't going to allow the Dark Lord to get in the way.

* * *

Narcissa suddenly heard the entrance to the Common Room opening. Several moments later, Lucius was standing right in front of her.

The look on his face made it clear what he wanted.

And Narcissa had a feeling that if she had been holding a mirror in front of her, she would see her reflection having the same exact look.

Narcissa stood up and placed her hands on Lucius's hips.

Lucius did the same, but he did more than just place his hands on Narcissa's hips. He also stroked them.

Narcissa released a sound of pleasure.

Lucius, mistaking the sound that Narcissa had made as being one of fear or pain, quickly stepped back, away from her.

"No, no," Narcissa quickly said. "It's all right. You didn't do anything wrong. I want this."

"It will hurt," Lucius breathed.

Narcissa looked at Lucius in confusion. How could he possibly know what it felt like? Had he had it before? But that wasn't possible. Narcissa knew in her heart that she was the only one that Lucius would ever want.

Unless she had been wrong.

"I, I read about it in a book once," Lucius said, seeing the look of anger and betrayal on Narcissa's face.

Narcissa immediately relaxed. She did feel guilty, though, that she had allowed herself to believe (even if it had been just for a moment) that Lucius had been with another.

She knew him better than that.

"I'm willing to accept whatever pain might be involved," Narcissa said. "You don't have to worry about hurting me, Lucius, because you won't."

Narcissa took a step towards Lucius. She then wrapped her fingers around one of the buttons holding Lucius's robe closed.

She saw Lucius's entire body stiffen as she undid the button.

Narcissa looked up at Lucius in concern.

"I'm fine," Lucius smiled weakly. "I guess I'm just a little nervous about disappointing you."

"I seriously doubt that's possible," Narcissa breathed in a husky voice.

Lucius just nodded his head. He then closed his eyes and took several deep breaths.

* * *

When Lucius opened his eyes, he saw that Narcissa was looking at him in concern.

"If you don't want to do this, Lucius," she said, "I will understand."

"No," Lucius breathed, "I want this. But only if you do as well."

Narcissa took one of Lucius's hands and placed it on one of the buttons holding her robe closed.

"Does that answer your question for you?" she grinned.

Lucius grinned back as he undid the button. He suddenly felt all his fears and nervousness disappearing, at least for the moment.

This was Narcissa. He had nothing to fear from her.

At that moment, Lucius made a silent promise to himself that he would never give Narcissa any reason to fear him.

She was the one person in the world he never wanted to hurt.

Lucius just hoped that he would be able to keep his promise, even if it had just been a silent one.


	2. Pain

Lucius awoke suddenly. When had he fallen asleep? The last thing he remembered was being in between Narcissa's legs.

And both he and Narcissa had been completely naked.

Lucius then noticed that he had his arms wrapped around a still naked Narcissa. A quick glance told him that he was still naked as well.

Apparently, they had both fallen asleep on the couch after they had finished.

On the couch that was in plain view in the Slytherin Common Room.

Lucius quickly looked around the room. It appeared to be empty.

It really was fortunate that it was the weekend because that meant that most of their Housemates were still in bed sleeping.

But what if someone had woken up already and had pass by them while they had been sleeping? That was a strong possibility. Lucius had no idea of what time it was.

_Calm yourself,_ Lucius told himself. _If someone had seen that you and Narcissa were on this couch naked, they would have already gone get everyone else, and we would have heard them by now._

Slytherins were infamous for their love of gossip, which really was a shame as Lucius had always placed great value on being subtle.

_Well, being on the couch naked with a girl isn't exactly subtle, now is it, Lucius? Someone could walk in here at any moment. You should have known better.  
_

* * *

Lucius began to shake Narcissa.

"Wake up," he told her. "Wake up, Narcissa."

Narcissa's eyes popped open.

"Oh, my," she said, looking sheepish, "did we fall asleep?"

"We did," Lucius answered grimly. "We better get our clothes back on before someone sees us. If gossip starts, our parents might eventually hear about this."

Lucius's last statement immediately shot Narcissa into action. If their parents were to hear about this, they probably would disown them for disgracing the Malfoy and Black names.

Purebloods were very traditional. There was no such thing as sex before marriage. That was something that only the common and the inferior did.

* * *

Narcissa untangled herself from Lucius and reached for her clothes, which was all in an untidy pile on the floor. Another disgraceful action for a proper Pureblood such as herself.

Of course, what Narcissa had done with Lucius was not proper, but she had enjoyed it immensely. Did she really have to be proper all of the time? If no one knew about it, then did it really matter?

Narcissa, however, knew that there would be severe consequences if her parents were to ever find out what had happened between her and Lucius.

* * *

As Narcissa stood to get dressed, she immediately felt pain shooting through her entire body.

"Narcissa," Lucius spoke in concern, pausing in his own redressing to place comforting hands on her bare shoulders.

"You read right about there being pain," Narcissa remarked not unhappily. Lucius's hands on her bare shoulders were causing her to tingle in excitement.

If Narcissa had not been worried about someone suddenly walking into the Common Room, she might have tried to convince Lucius to go for another round with her.

Even the fear of being caught, however, was barely enough to keep Narcissa from giving in to temptation.

"I'm sorry," Lucius spoke then, interrupting Narcissa's thoughts. "I did not want to hurt you."

"Don't worry about it," Narcissa told him in a reassuring voice. "It's not that bad. I can deal with it. Besides, everything that we did with each other makes up for any discomfort I might have."

Narcissa grinned at Lucius, who could not help but grin back.

"Clothes," Lucius suddenly reminded the both of them.

"Right," Narcissa giggled.

Even though they didn't want to, they quickly redressed.

As Narcissa was redressing, however, the pain began to shot through her body more sharply.

She turned her face away from Lucius so that he wouldn't see the pain that she was in. She didn't want him feeling guiltier than he already did. Besides, she had agreed to it just as much as he had. She didn't blame him at all.

"I guess we should consider ourselves fortunate that our clothes aren't more rumpled," Narcissa remarked in an attempt to take her mind off the pain that she was feeling.

"Nevertheless," Lucius responded, "we probably should change into new clothes as soon as possible. A few of our Housemates do have sharp eyes, and most of them are the very ones that like to gossip."

Narcissa nodded her head in agreement.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Lucius asked in concern.

Narcissa had almost forgotten that Lucius didn't need to see her face to know what she was feeling.

"I'm fine," Narcissa replied. "Really, I am. There's no need for you to worry. You could never hurt me."

Lucius stiffened. "I truly hope you're right about that," he then said.

"What makes you say a thing like that?" Narcissa asked in confusion, turning around to face him. "You have always treated me with nothing but respect."

The pain was barely bothering her now, as all her focus was currently on Lucius.

"I'm thinking about my father," Lucius mumbled. "Things are just getting worse between us. He makes me so angry, Narcissa. And one day, you're going to be in the middle of it all. You deserve so much better than that."

"I know that your father is a bastard," Narcissa replied, "but I also know that you're nothing like him. You're already a better man than he could ever hope to be."

"Why are you the only one who seems to see any good in me?" Lucius asked.

"Because it's there," Narcissa answered. "I wish you would stop doubting yourself like this, Lucius. I know who you really are, and that person is someone I would be honoured to spend the rest of my life with. Always remember that."

Lucius looked away, and he shifted uncomfortably.

"I have a potion in my trunk that will take away the pain that you're feeling," he said.

Narcissa was not surprised to hear that Lucius already had such a potion already brewed. She knew how abusive his father was.

"The pain really isn't that bad any more," Narcissa managed to smile, even though it was weak.

"The pain doesn't go away that fast," Lucius muttered, more to himself than to Narcissa.

She still heard him, however. What did he mean by that statement?

He was once again sounding as if he had previous experience before her.

Narcissa shook her head. _You're being silly again,_ she told herself. _Lucius isn't that type of person. He's better than that._

"It will make me feel better if you take the potion," Lucius suddenly spoke, smiling way too widely for it to be genuine. It was clear that he was trying very hard to not think about whatever it was that was causing him such pain.

"All right," Narcissa accepted, not wanting to upset Lucius even more than he was already.

"I'll be right back," Lucius said.

With that, he turned and made his way towards the boys' dormitory.

* * *

Narcissa, meanwhile, tried not to think too much about the confusing thoughts that Lucius was causing her to have.

Something was clearly bothering him.

But Narcissa trusted Lucius, so she wouldn't push the matter.

Besides, she was sure that Lucius would tell her about it as soon as he was ready.

There were, after all, few secrets between them.


	3. Tension

Lucius and Narcissa were sitting next to each other at a table in the library.

Narcissa's Potions textbook laid open in front of them.

* * *

It was afternoon, and it was well-lighted in the library; but Lucius still found himself feeling uncomfortable.

And his penis was getting rather stiff again.

What was wrong with him? It was as if he could no longer just sit by Narcissa without getting aroused.

He used to be able to sit by her all the time without any problem.

* * *

Narcissa really was trying to concentrate on her textbook, but Lucius's presence beside her was really making that task hard.

And she really wanted to take her hands off her book and use them instead to take Lucius's robe off him.

What was wrong with her? It was as if she could no longer just sit by Lucius without getting aroused.

She used to be able to sit by him all the time without any problem.

"I can't concentrate," Narcissa finally said, closing her book.

"How about we go outside for a walk?" Lucius suggested. "It's a beautiful day."

Narcissa, who had always enjoyed just walking with Lucius, nodded her head in agreement.

Lucius grabbed for Narcissa's textbook so that she wouldn't have to carry it.

"You are such a gentleman," Narcissa said teasingly.

It was common for Lucius and Narcissa to tease other, so why was Narcissa's teasing now causing his penis to stiffen even more?

This was getting ridiculous. It was as if they could no longer do the things that they had always done together without having these stupid feelings.

Lucius made sure to keep some distance between him and Narcissa as they made their way out of the library.

* * *

As they walked, Narcissa had to resist the temptation to place herself closer to Lucius. But she had a feeling that he was just as uncomfortable around her as she was around him.

This was getting ridiculous. She didn't want either of them feeling uncomfortable or awkward around each other. They had been friends since before they had started Hogwarts, and she didn't want to lose that friendship.

Narcissa's friendship with Lucius meant everything to her.

"I think we need to talk about what happened last night," Lucius finally said. "It's changing everything for me."

"Same here," Narcissa replied.

"I was wrong to push you into doing it," Lucius then spoke.

"You didn't push me into doing anything, Lucius," Narcissa returned. "I wanted to do it with you, and it really was enjoyable."

"It was enjoyable for me as well," Lucius could not help but grin. But he quickly turned serious. "But I wasn't thinking that it would change our relationship like this. We can't keep going on like this. Maybe you should just study alone. You don't need my help anyways to pass your O.W.L.s. You're smart enough to do it on your own."

"No," Narcissa said sharply. "I don't want us to start avoiding each other. If we do that, I'm afraid we will eventually come to no longer care for each other, and I don't want that to happen. You have always been a good friend to me, Lucius. I like that I can talk with you about anything, and I don't want to lose that. You have gotten me through so many tough times just by being there and listening to me."

"As have you," Lucius breathed.

"What are we going to do, Lucius?" Narcissa sighed.

"We're going to have to try our best to get back to normal," Lucius replied. "Look, there's a bench over there. Let's sit down and do some studying. That's normal for us."

* * *

Narcissa followed Lucius to the nearby bench. She sat down beside him.

She tried not to think about the tingling feelings shooting through her entire body as she watched Lucius open her textbook.

_Think about studying, Narcissa,_ she told herself firmly. _Think about doing well on your O.W.L.s. You want to do well on your O.W.L.s. Remember that._

* * *

Lucius kept his eyes off Narcissa as he opened her textbook.

"Let's find a particular difficult Potion," he said to her.

"Yes, let's," Narcissa agreed with a firm nod of her head.

Anything that required her to take her concentration off Lucius would work just fine for her.

* * *

Even though it started off somewhat awkwardly, it surprisingly wasn't as difficult as either had feared for things to go back to normal between them.

Lucius did an excellent job keeping them distracted by making them study and practice endless spells, charms, and Potions. And there was also subjects like History of Magic and Herbology that needed to be studied and discussed as well.

Lucius kept them so busy that by the time they finally stopped for the day, they both were too tired to think about much of anything.

Narcissa, however, would not deny that she occasionally had dreams of her and Lucius being naked together. But more often than not, she would dream about things such as Transfiguration and Charms.

But some of her dreams were very vivid and involved her using a very useful Charm that kept a noticeable naked Lucius pinned down to the floor.

Wait a minute. She didn't need to be thinking about Charms. Her Charms work was already good enough. She didn't need to concentrate on Charms as much as she needed to concentrate on other subjects.

Other subjects such as Potions.

Yes, Potions was a safe subject.

* * *

_Narcissa is getting better at Potions,_ Lucius thought to himself as he laid down in his bed.

He was soon having dreams of brewing a Potion that made Narcissa want to do some rather erotic things with him.

_When did I get such a creative imagination,_ Lucius wondered, _and why did it have to start being so creative now?_

* * *

To both of their reliefs, however, their dreams were nothing more than flashes in their minds by the time they woke up.

Those flashes were vivid, but they were also brief.

It was going to take some time, but eventually everything was going to be normal once more.

Or at least that was what Lucius and Narcissa kept on telling themselves.


	4. Worry

Narcissa woke up one morning feeling very sick.

"I better go to the Hospital Wing," Narcissa muttered to herself after she had finished throwing up in the toilet in the girls' dormitory for the third time that morning. "I can't be doing this for the rest of the day."

She really was glad that the other girls sharing the dormitory with her were not around. At least she didn't have to worry about them trying to get into her business.

* * *

Madam Pomfrey gave Narcissa a Potion that quickly had her feeling better.

Narcissa then put the incident to the back of her mind. This wasn't the first time she had ever gotten sick this seriously, so she had no reason to think twice about it.

But then Narcissa woke up the next morning once again feeling very sick.

Narcissa suddenly could not help but think about her many visits to Grimmauld Place. On one particular visit, she had come across Walburga Black being sick like she was now.

And about nine months later after that, Sirius has been born.

"Could I be pregnant?" Narcissa breathed to herself in horror.

If she was, what was she going to do? Going to Madam Pomfrey was out of the question, as Pomfrey was one for never bending the rules. If Narcissa was indeed pregnant, her parents would hear about it.

But if Narcissa was pregnant, she wouldn't be able to hide it for long.

And there was no way she was going to get rid of the baby. Half of the baby was from Lucius, and that was precious to her.

But having a baby before she was married would surely cause her parents to disown her. What would she do without any money or resources to support herself and her baby with?

And there was no way that Narcissa could ask Lucius to ruin his life as well.

Druella Black had always stressed to her daughters the importance of making sure that their men always looked good, no matter what.

"If you ever fall for any reason," Druella had once said, "that's disgraceful enough. But dragging your man down with you is _unforgivable_."

"Well, I just might be falling now, Mother," Narcissa said to herself. "What should I do?"

* * *

Narcissa did not go to any of her classes. Instead, she spent the entire day in one of the girls' bathrooms.

Every time she threw up, she had to struggle not to cry.

Eventually, however, she was no longer able to keep the tears in.

Narcissa sobbed loudly, and she was very glad that she had gone to bathroom haunted by Moaning Myrtle, as no one was likely to come in suddenly and catch her crying. That was the last thing she needed. Narcissa could already imagine in her mind the gossip that would start spreading around Hogwarts if she was seen by anyone in her current state.

* * *

"Narcissa," came Lucius's voice suddenly. "Is that you?"

"Lucius," Narcissa gasped in shock, opening the bathroom stall. "What are you doing in here? This is a girls' bathroom."

"I know that," Lucius replied, "but this was the last place to look for you that I could think of. You weren't at lunch, and I heard several of the Slytherins in your year mentioning that you weren't in any of your classes today."

Lucius made his way closer to Narcissa. He stopped in his track when he saw her puffy eyes and her tear-stained face.

"Narcissa, what's wrong?" he asked in concern. "Did someone do something to hurt you?"

There was now clear anger in Lucius's voice.

"No, no," Narcissa quickly said, knowing how Lucius tended to be overprotective of her.

"Then what's wrong? I have never known you to cry for no reason."

Narcissa hesitated for a moment. Then, she said, "I woke up sick yesterday morning, but I quickly got that treated at the Hospital Wing. I didn't think much of it, but then I woke up sick this morning as well. I've been throwing up all morning. Lucius, I think I might be pregnant."

It took Lucius several moments to process this information. If the situation wasn't so serious, Narcissa would have laughed at the expressions that crossed his face.

"Oh," he finally said.

"Oh?" Narcissa said angrily. "Is that all you can say?"

"I really don't know what to say," Lucius replied, looking sheepish. "I'm so sorry, Narcissa. I wasn't even thinking that this could happen."

"Nor was I," Narcissa said quickly before Lucius could start blaming himself for everything.

She then shifted uncomfortably on her feet. "I don't know for sure if I'm pregnant or not. I could be sick for some other reason."

"But what if you are?" Lucius pressed.

"Well, if I am, I'll, I'll find a way to deal with it," Narcissa responded.

She then began to cry. "Who am I kidding? My parents would disown me for sure, and I'll be left with nothing. I won't be able to support me or my baby."

"I would never allow that to happen," Lucius said soothingly. "If you are pregnant, I will be there to support you."

"I don't want you to be disowned by your father because of me," Narcissa shrieked.

"You would want me to deny my own child?" Lucius said angrily. "I thought you knew me better than that, Narcissa."

"But without our parents," Narcissa returned, "we have nothing. And I don't think the Ministry is likely to hire someone who has not even graduated from Hogwarts, even if we are Pureblood."

"I have money of my own," Lucius responded. "I have a vault that's separate from my father's. And he can't touch it."

"You do?" Narcissa said in surprise.

"My father has always taught me the importance of having side-businesses," Lucius smiled grimly. "So, you see, there's no reason for you to worry. If you are pregnant, we'll be just fine."

Then, in a rare display of affection for him, Lucius wrapped his arms around Narcissa and held her close to him.

The hug was slightly awkward, as Lucius wasn't used to giving or receiving them, but Narcissa appreciated the sentiment.

"There's still a chance, though," Narcissa muttered, as she buried her face into Lucius's shoulder, "that I'm worrying over nothing. But there's no way I'm going to Madam Pomfrey to check. She will tell my parents for sure, and I don't want them knowing anything unless it's absolutely necessary."

"I'll do some research," Lucius spoke reassuringly. "Let's first find out if you're pregnant or not. Then, we'll go from there. But no matter what happens, Narcissa, I'm there for you. And I'm never going to abandon you."

* * *

Lucius approached Narcissa several days later in the library.

She looked up from her Transfiguration homework.

"I've found a spell that will be able to tell us if you're pregnant or not," Lucius spoke. "Let's do it outside."

Narcissa followed Lucius out the library and out onto the grounds. She had to struggle to not show her nervousness.

* * *

They walked until there was no one in sight.

Lucius then pulled out his wand. "If you're pregnant," he said, "you will feel a tingling sensation. But don't worry, it won't hurt you or the baby. And if you're not pregnant, you won't feel anything. Are you ready?"

Narcissa just nodded her head. She didn't trust herself to speak.

Lucius spoke a spell as he pointed his wand at Narcissa's abdomen.

"Well?" he asked after a few moments had passed.

"I don't feel anything," Narcissa replied.

There was a brief silence.

"Maybe you should perform the spell as well," Lucius then suggested, "just to be sure."

Narcissa pulled out her wand and pointed it at her abdomen. She then spoke the same spell she had just heard Lucius use.

"Nothing," she said after a few moments had passed. "I felt nothing at all. That means I'm not pregnant. I'm so sorry for worrying you like this, Lucius."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," Lucius replied. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm not sure," Narcissa answered. "Even though I know that you would be there for me no matter what, a part of me is still relieved that I'm not pregnant. But another part of me is a little sad. There's nothing that would give me any greater pleasure than to have your child, Lucius. But I also don't think I'm yet ready to be a mother. Besides, we have plenty of time to start a family. We aren't even out of school yet. Oh, Lucius, I really don't know what to think. What about you? How are you feeling?"

"Well, a child that comes from you would make me happy," Lucius replied. "But at the same time, I'm also glad that we're not yet going to become parents. I don't think I'm ready either. I don't know if I will ever be ready. I probably would end up being just like my father."

"Don't be that way, Lucius," Narcissa responded. "You're going to be an amazing father one day. You are _nothing_ like your father. What will it take for you to realize that?"

Lucius looked away.

"We both have homework we need to do," he spoke.

"Of course," Narcissa responded.


	5. Happiness

**Author's Note****: We are back to the sex in this chapter, even though it's just a short scene. I really don't consider myself that good at writing sex scenes, so I hope it's not completely awful.**

* * *

Lucius and Narcissa exchanged letters during Narcissa's final year, and they visited each other as often as possible. But Narcissa was definitely glad when she graduated. She was even happier when she received a letter from Lucius, asking if it would be all right if he came to visit her at Black Manor. Narcissa quickly sent a reply, saying that she couldn't wait to see him.

As soon as Lucius arrived at Black Manor, he greeted both Cygnus and Druella Black. Then, he and Narcissa went outside to the gardens to walk.

"How do you think your N.E.W.T. exams went?" Lucius asked.

"I completely drew a blank on several of the Transfiguration questions," Narcissa replied, "but I still believed I passed it. And I feel very confident about my Charms exam. It was almost too easy."

"That's good to hear," Lucius responded. "And don't worry about the Transfiguration exam. I drew a blank on several of the questions as well, but I still passed it."

"And as soon as the exam was over, you all of a sudden remembered the answers to those questions you were having difficulty with," Narcissa smiled knowingly.

They both laughed at Narcissa's statement.

"It's so good to see you again, Narcissa," Lucius then said. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Lucius," Narcissa returned.

Lucius suddenly stopped walking. Narcissa stopped as well.

Their eyes then met.

It really had not been that long since they had last seen each other face-to-face like this. It had been during Narcissa's last visit to Hogsmeade, just a few months ago.

But they had not been able to spend as much time with each other as they had wanted because Narcissa had to return to Hogwarts.

Now, however, Narcissa no longer had to return to Hogwarts.

At least for the current moment, they were not pressed for time.

* * *

Narcissa was suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

Lucius felt his penis stiffen.

"It's been too long," Lucius muttered, taking a step closer to Narcissa.

"Yes, it has," she agreed, taking a step closer to him.

"Your parents could walk out here at any moment," Lucius remarked. "You know how nosy your mother especially can be."

"I don't care," Narcissa breathed.

* * *

It was different from their first time. During their first time, they had been inside and it had been dark.

This time, however, they were outside and the sun was out and shining brightly.

There was no way that Lucius could possibly mistake Narcissa for the Dark Lord in these current circumstances.

Their first time had also been more rushed, as both of them had felt slightly awkward and a bit nervous about doing something wrong.

This time, on the other hand, they were both more confident in themselves. And even though there was a risk that Narcissa's parents might indeed come out in the gardens, Lucius and Narcissa did not rush it.

Perhaps what they were feeling at the moment for each other was just lust, but there was no reason why they couldn't be a gentleman and a lady about it.

Lucius also needed some gentleness in his life, especially after some of the recent missions that he had done for the Dark Lord.

And Lucius was determined to always be gentle and considerate towards Narcissa, no matter how chaotic and violent the rest of his life became.

* * *

"You are exquisite," Lucius breathed into Narcissa's ear as he nipped it affectionately.

Her body was nothing at all like the Dark Lord's. Lucius definitely preferred Narcissa's.

"I guess you didn't really notice my body the last time," Narcissa grinned, "especially since it was so dark."

Narcissa then reached down and wrapped her hand around Lucius's penis.

A moment later, Lucius felt himself gasping.

"You want to play dirty, I see," Lucius smirked. "Well, two can play at this game."

Lucius used one hand to grasp one of Narcissa's breasts. He then began to press kisses all over it, causing Narcissa to now be the one who had a reason to gasp.

Lucius finished by gently biting Narcissa's nipple.

Narcissa had to remember to breathe.

Lucius, meanwhile, gave the same treatment to Narcissa's other breast.

He then looked up at Narcissa's face and saw that it was completely flushed.

They both grinned at each other.

Narcissa then twisted her body until her mouth was right on Lucius's nipple. As far as she was concerned, it was now _her_ turn to do some biting.

Two could play at this game indeed.

* * *

Several weeks later, Lucius received a letter from Narcissa, asking him to come over to Black Manor as soon as it was convenient for him.

Even though there was no urgency in the words that Narcissa had written, Lucius could still feel that she didn't want to see him for just casual reasons.

* * *

"Is something wrong?" Lucius asked Narcissa as soon as they were in the privacy of the main study at Black Manor.

"Was there anything in my letter that gave you a reason to have this alarm?" Narcissa asked with obvious worry in her voice.

"No," Lucius replied. "I just got a feeling that had nothing to do with your letter itself."

"I'm glad to hear that," Narcissa breathed in relief. "I didn't want to be too obvious. No one can know what I'm about to tell you, Lucius."

Lucius looked Narcissa straight in her eyes, waiting for her to continue.

Narcissa took a few breaths to compose herself.

"Lucius," she said, "I'm pregnant. And before you ask, yes, I'm sure this time. I used the spell that you taught me."

Lucius looked at Narcissa for a moment. Then, after a brief moment of hesitation, he gently placed a hand on her belly.

"Hello in there, little one," Lucius spoke. "This is your daddy speaking."

Narcissa could not help but smile.

"You're going to be a wonderful father, Lucius," she then said.

Lucius's eyes drifted to the floor at Narcissa's statement.

"We need to push our wedding date ahead of schedule," Lucius muttered, "that way no one will know that you were pregnant before marriage. I know that your parents will not object. They have always expressed their fondness of me, especially your mother. And my father won't object much either. He wants me to have an heir as soon as possible. And I will see to it that no one else has any reason to be suspicious."

"I know that you will take care of everything, Lucius," Narcissa spoke. "You always have." She then smiled at him. "What are you feeling right now?"

Lucius looked up and met Narcissa's eyes. "Some nervousness," he admitted, "but mostly joy. I cannot express my happiness with words. I have been looking forward to sharing a life with you for some time now, Narcissa. I hope that this will just be the beginning."

"As do I," Narcissa breathed.

* * *

As Lucius had predicated, none of their parents had objected to them being married sooner than had been originally scheduled.

Cygnus had just nodded his head, but Druella had beamed for hours. Narcissa wrote Lucius several letters about how her mother was annoying her with her assistance that they repeatedly go over all the details. Unsurprisingly, Druella wanted Lucius's and Narcissa's wedding to be absolutely perfect.

Abraxas had given Lucius a knowing smirk, but he had not said anything, much to Lucius's surprise and relief. Lucius knew that his father wasn't at all fond of Narcissa (in fact, Abraxas hated Narcissa nearly as much as he hated Lucius), but it seemed that Abraxas's desire for his son to have an heir took precedence over everything else, at least for the moment.

There were a few who commented on the marriage of Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black happening sooner than it had originally been scheduled, but no one suspected that the reason for this was because something "scandalous" had happened between the young wizard and witch. Both Lucius and Narcissa, after all, were known to be proper, respectable Purebloods.

* * *

For the most part, all was well. Lucius and Narcissa were both looking forward to the birth of their first child. They were even looking forward to one day having more children. They could not have been happier.

But then their happiness was suddenly and completely broken by the death of their precious little Ara.

* * *

**Author's Note****: For more details on Ara's death, see my story "The Lost Baby."**


	6. Grief

They still touched and held each other after Ara's death, but it was always to offer what little comfort there was to be had. Their clothes remained on, and there was never anything sexual between them.

Sex was the last thing that was in either of their minds.

No longer did Lucius run his fingers down Narcissa's spine, which never failed to make her tingle in excitement.

No longer did Narcissa run her hands through Lucius's long hair, which never failed to arouse him.

Lucius and Narcissa tried to find time to speak with each other as they had done since they had been children, but they never could bring themselves to discuss children. They could never bring themselves to speak of long-term future plans.

They could not bring themselves to act as if they were a married couple that was expected to produce at least one heir.

Lucius threw all his passion into serving the Dark Lord, while Narcissa cried out all her passion.

* * *

"Why is your wife not pregnant yet?" Abraxas asked Lucius one night after Narcissa had went to bed. "She got pregnant so fast when you first got married." At this statement, Abraxas gave his son a knowing smirk.

"My point being, Lucius," Abraxas continued, "it shouldn't be this difficult for her to get pregnant again."

"We're not ready yet," Lucius said with as little emotion as possible. He really wasn't in the mood to have this conversation, especially with his father.

"Well, you need to get ready, and you need to do it quickly," Abraxas replied. "Don't you want the family name to live on after your death? Our kind is slowly dying out, Lucius. Are you going to help the Mudbloods and the Blood Traitors in killing us entirely and taking over _our_ world by not doing your duty?"

"I know what my duty is, Father, as does Narcissa," Lucius snapped. "But not all of us are as quick as you to forget Ara."

"She was a stillborn," Abraxas hissed, "clearly a defect. You and your wife both need to move on."

Lucius got up and left the room before he could give in to his temptation to hex his father.

* * *

"When are you finally going to give me a grandchild, Cissy?" Druella pressed one afternoon when Narcissa came to visit her at Black Manor. "I expected you to be pregnant by now, especially considering how quickly you got pregnant the last time."

"Lucius and I are not yet ready," Narcissa replied tonelessly.

"How can you be this unfair to Lucius?" Druella asked. "He needs to have an heir to carry on his family name, and it is your duty to make sure that happens. Have you been withholding yourself from him?"

"No, Mother," Narcissa spoke with as much patience as possible. "Lucius has not yet asked me to be with him again. He wishes to give me time to grieve, just as I wish to give him time to grieve as well."

"What could you two possibly be grieving about?" Druella asked in confusion. "I thought you two were doing well. Have you done something to upset Lucius? Because if you have, you need to apologize to him before he decides to marry another woman."

"Ara," Narcissa breathed. "We are grieving over Ara."

"The stillborn," Druella said. "Cissy, that stillborn was clearly a defect. You need to get over it, and you need to start being a proper wife to Lucius again. You're lucky he is being as tolerant as he is. Not all male Purebloods are such gentlemen."

"Lucius said he was going to be home for dinner tonight," Narcissa spoke. "I need to make sure that everything is prepared for him."

In reality, Lucius had told her that he didn't know when he would be home and that she should go ahead and eat dinner alone. But Narcissa just needed an excuse to leave. She couldn't take anymore of her mother at the moment.

Narcissa didn't want to say something to her mother that would later regret, and she also didn't want to break down and start crying in front of her mother.

Druella would just see her as being weak if she started crying, and Narcissa didn't want to hear that. She was barely holding on as it was.

"Of course," Druella responded in understanding, completely believing her daughter's lie.

* * *

It had been several weeks since Lucius had been able to spend the night with Narcissa. The Dark Lord had been keeping him busy, and Lucius had gladly accepted that.

But now, Lucius really needed to spend some time with Narcissa again. He needed the comfort that he had always been able to get just from being in her presence. His life had become complete darkness in the recent weeks, and he knew that Narcissa was the only one who could keep him from becoming completely lost in it.

And Lucius could not forget his father's words, no matter how hard he tried.

* * *

Narcissa was glad to have Lucius in bed with her. It had been much too long since they had been able to spend this much time with each other.

Narcissa knew that her husband was doing noble work for the Dark Lord, and she knew that Lucius probably needed the distraction that his servitude offered him.

But the Dark Lord was not the only one who needed Lucius. Perhaps she was weak, but Narcissa didn't care anymore. She needed Lucius as well. She needed the comfort that she had always been to get just from being in his presence.

And Narcissa could not forget her mother's words, no matter how hard she tried.

* * *

Lucius hesitantly grabbed Narcissa's hand. But he didn't say anything.

Lucius then glanced over at Narcissa. She looked so exhausted, so broken. She looked so much older than her years.

She wasn't even twenty yet.

Lucius released Narcissa's hand. How could he demand of her that she do her wifely duty when she was obviously still grieving? How could he ask her to make another baby with him and act as if Ara had never existed?

"I know that you probably think about Ara a lot," Lucius spoke, breaking the silence that had been between them up until that point. "I do as well. I think about her all the time."

"I know, Lucius," Narcissa whispered.

A moment later, Lucius felt Narcissa grabbing his hand. But she didn't say anything.

"My father has been talking with me," Lucius said.

At the same exact moment Lucius was speaking, Narcissa said, "My mother has been talking with me."

Lucius and Narcissa met each other's eyes.

"They don't care about Ara," Narcissa spoke sadly.

"No, they don't," Lucius agreed, just as sadly. "They only care about us having a child."

"It is our duty," Narcissa muttered in a dull, lifeless voice.

"There is more to life than just duty," Lucius said bitterly.

"Do you truly believe that, Lucius?"

"I do. Do you, Narcissa?"

"We married each other out of duty," Narcissa responded.

"But Ara had nothing to do with duty," Lucius replied.

"No, she didn't," Narcissa agreed with a slight smile. "And marrying you was definitely more to me that just doing my duty."

A few moments later, however, Narcissa's face turned sad once again. "I know what we are expected to do, Lucius."

"But if you are not ready-" Lucius began.

"I doubt I will ever be fully ready," Narcissa interrupted gently. "But I also know that we can't keep going on like this. Lucius, I just want to feel normal again. I want to be happy again."

Narcissa untied the belt holding her bed robe closed, showing that underneath her robe she was only wearing panties.

Narcissa then looked over at Lucius. "I'm ready enough," she said. "We are going to have to do this eventually anyways. It's expected out of us."

Lucius slowly reached out and grasped Narcissa's panties. He then began to pull them down as gently as possible, but he stopped before he could get too far.

Narcissa was not looking at him. And it was clear that she was struggling not to cry.

"No," Lucius breathed. "Our grief is still too fresh and too raw. It wouldn't be right to us or to Ara."

Narcissa breathed in relief. "Thank you, Lucius."

They laid in silence for several moments.

"It's not you, Lucius," Narcissa finally said. "I don't want you thinking that you disgust me or anything like that, because you don't. Lately, you are the only bright thing in my life."

"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Narcissa," Lucius replied.

"Another night perhaps," Narcissa spoke.

Lucius just nodded his head.

Then, there was once again nothing but silence between them.

Sleep did not come easily or quickly.


	7. Anger

It was as if Lucius had just exploded. His wand had not even been out when the Muggle house had suddenly caught fire.

Lucius remembered how just moments ago, he had been looking through an open window of that same house. Inside, he had seen a Muggle family sitting together and clearly enjoying each other's company.

They had been so happy, and their laughter had sounded like taunts to Lucius's ears.

Lucius could not help but remember all the times he had spent spying on Muggles as a child. He had wanted to see with his own eyes if they really were as monstrous as his father had always made them out to be.

Lucius remembered with perfect clarity how happy all the Muggles had been with their simple, boring lives. The Muggle children had found joy just from kicking a ball around. The Muggle children had smiled when their parents had kissed and hugged them.

Abraxas Malfoy had never allowed his son to just kick a ball around. Words like "fun" and "play" had been a foreign language at Malfoy Manor, a foreign language that Lucius had been forbidden to learn.

And Abraxas would rather cut off his own arm than to ever show his son any affection.

It wasn't fair. Muggles shouldn't be happier than him. They were supposed to be inferior to him. That was what he had been taught.

Why couldn't he be as happy as all those Muggles? Why couldn't Narcissa be as happy as all those Muggles?

* * *

Lucius was once again reminded of all that he and Narcissa had lost. Ara. The bloody fetus on the bedroom floor. Narcissa almost bleeding out.

Why couldn't Narcissa give birth to a healthy, living baby?

Why did the Healers have to be so incompetent?

Narcissa was a Pureblood. She was superior to everyone else. That was what she had been taught.

But Blood-Traitors like the Weasleys kept on having children successfully.

The Malfoys, on the other hand, did not yet have any children. Their children kept on dying before they could even take a single breath.

* * *

Lucius's eyes took in the flames that had completely destroyed the Muggle house. Who needed happiness? The happiness that those Muggles had just moments ago had not been enough to save them.

And now, they were never again going to be happy.

Lucius could feel Bellatrix's eyes on him. For once, she wasn't looking at him in disgust or annoyance. In fact, she was looking at him with admiration and a degree of respect. She was definitely impressed, and everyone knew it was practically impossible to impress Bellatrix.

Unless you were the Dark Lord, of course.

But the dying, frightened cries of the Muggles were not enough to satisfy Lucius. Ara was still dead. The baby that had followed afterwards was still dead. Narcissa was still suffering. He was still suffering.

Lucius wanted to just collapse on the ground, but he knew he couldn't show any weakness in front of any of the Death Eaters.

Lucius pulled out his wand.

"Why are all of you just standing there?" he drawled lazily. "There are other Muggles around that need to be taught a lesson."

Lucius watched the Death Eaters as they stormed past him. Bellatrix was leading the charge with obvious glee.

Lucius wanted to feel that same glee. He had just burned up a family of Muggles. That should have pleased him.

But he just could not bring himself to feel any joy.

Because the pain never went away, no matter what Lucius did.

He was so pathetic. It was at times like these that Lucius really hated himself.

He should be above all these emotions. Emotions were only for the weak.

And it just would not do for Lucius Malfoy to be weak.

He couldn't be weak. He was a Pureblood, not some inferior Muggle or Mudblood.

* * *

Narcissa was angry at herself for not being able to do her wifely duty. There had to be something wrong with her.

Molly Weasley had no problem with delivering healthy, living babies.

Molly Weasley was a Blood-Traitor.

Narcissa, on the other hand, was a proper Pureblood.

But Narcissa had no children to her name, while Molly Weasley had plenty of them.

Why couldn't the Healers find out what was causing her to miscarry all the time? There had to be a reason for it.

* * *

Narcissa looked around the study. It was her favorite study at Malfoy Manor.

But at the moment, it was completely empty except for her.

When was the last time Lucius had been in this room with her? When was the last time Lucius had been with her anywhere?

Narcissa knew that Lucius would have loved nothing more than to be with her, but he could not exactly tell the Dark Lord, "Hey, I need a little break from serving you. Is that okay with you?"

A part of Narcissa, however, wished that Lucius would speak those words to the Dark Lord.

Perhaps she was just being selfish, but she believed that she had more rights to Lucius than the Dark Lord did.

Maybe Lucius loved the Dark Lord more than he loved her. And how could Narcissa blame her husband if that was the case? She couldn't even give him one living, healthy child. She couldn't do her duty.

But Lucius was still her husband. He should be there for her. He had often promised her that he would never abandon her.

And Lucius usually kept any promise that he made to Narcissa.

_But if he ever tried to deny the Dark Lord,_ a voice spoke inside Narcissa's head, _the Dark Lord would not hesitate to kill him. Is that what you want? Is that what it will take to make you happy?_

_Of course not!_ Narcissa screamed back.

Lucius was the only bright thing in her life.

Besides, he was doing what was necessary to make the world a better place for them. He was doing what was necessary to keep the Muggles and the Mudbloods from completely overrunning and destroying them.

There were so many Muggles out there.

But there weren't as many Purebloods as there used to be.

It was clear that the Muggles had no problem with having children.

Yes, Lucius was definitely doing what needed to be done.

But a part of Narcissa wished that it didn't require him to be away all the time. A part of her wished there was another way to accomplish their goals.

Even Lucius had admitted to her that he was not a fan of warfare if it wasn't absolutely necessary.

But in a case like this, it was necessary.

Wasn't it?

But even if it was necessary, couldn't the Dark Lord give Lucius a break every now and then? Lucius was strong, but that didn't mean he could keep going on forever without any rest.

Besides, Narcissa knew that Lucius would like to be with her more often. His eyes (usually so cold and hard) would always light up whenever he caught sight of her.

Narcissa knew that the Dark Lord was leading a great and noble cause, but there really were times she hated him.

And at the moment, Narcissa really hated how the Dark Lord was taking her Lucius away from her.

She needed Lucius more than the Dark Lord did.


	8. Heartbreak

**Author's Note: This chapter has to deal with preventing a baby from being conceived.**

* * *

Draco's birth should have been the happiest moment of both Lucius's and Narcissa's lives, but too damage had been done for the happiness to last for long. No matter how much joy Draco ended up bringing them (and Narcissa had no doubt that Draco would bring them lots of joy), he would never be able to replace Ara and all the other babies that had been lost.

Even the good news that Draco appeared to be perfectly healthy at his first checkup was soon ruined.

"I know that this will be difficult news for you both to hear," the male Healer told Lucius and Narcissa (who was gently cradling a sleeping Draco), "but I would greatly advise against you ever getting pregnant again, Mrs. Malfoy. You have nothing to worry about right now, as your checkup was positive. However, I don't believe your body could handle another pregnancy. The miscarriages and the complications that you had during your pregnancy with Draco has done a lot of internal damage to you. If you ever got pregnant again, both you and the baby would be at great risk of dying."

The Healer glanced nervously at Lucius, but Lucius's face didn't reveal anything.

Narcissa's face also revealed little, but inside she was completely devastated. Draco's birth had given her hope that perhaps it was possible for her to have more children in the future. She had always wanted to have more than just one child.

Narcissa had never fully given up her childhood habit of looking up at the night sky and picking out the stars that she thought would make wonderful names for all the children that she wanted to have with Lucius.

But now her dreams of having a huge family were once again being dashed.

And what would this mean for her and Lucius's relationship? Even though Lucius had never expressed the same eagerness in having children as Narcissa had, she knew that he would not mind having another child. Especially if that child ended up being a girl. Even more than Narcissa, he was still greatly affected by Ara's loss.

But now Lucius would never have a chance to have a daughter. At least not with Narcissa.

_No, don't go there,_ Narcissa told herself sharply. _Lucius has made it clear to you more than once that you are the only woman he wants._

Narcissa, however, did not mention any of these thoughts to the male Healer standing in front of her and Lucius. She would not show any weakness in front of him. She had been better trained than that.

Narcissa suddenly felt Lucius gently squeezing her hand in support.

Now strengthened by Lucius's touch, Narcissa looked at the Healer straight in his eyes.

"What are my next courses of action then?" she asked him in a cold voice.

"Well, considering that you are married," the Healer said in a slightly uncomfortable voice, "you could possibly take a Potion immediately after you and your husband are intimate that will keep you from ever getting pregnant."

"No," Narcissa interrupted in a sharp voice, "I am not going to murder any of my babies."

Lucius, who was still holding Narcissa's hand, visibly stiffened.

"Of course," the Healer replied, his eyes nervously taking in both Malfoys. "I can understand that. Not to mention that it is also easy to forget to take the Potion. I do have another option for you, though, Mrs. Malfoy. I could perform some spells on you that will prevent your body from ever being able to conceive. It won't take too long, and the pain is minimal. Also, I will only be required to do this once, and you will never again have to worry about it for the rest of your life."

Narcissa shook her head.

Lucius once again gently squeezed her hand, even though his eyes were shooting daggers at the Healer for upsetting his wife like this.

"Like I said before," the Healer responded, "this is difficult news to hear. But I would greatly advise that you do something. It's just too risky for you to ever become pregnant again."

"My wife needs some time to think about this," Lucius suddenly spoke, his voice eerily calm.

"Of course, Mr. Malfoy," the Healer returned. "Would you like to come back at a later date?"

Lucius looked over at Narcissa.

"That won't be necessary," Narcissa said. "Just give me and my husband a few minutes to discuss this in private."

"That won't be any problem at all," the Healer replied. "I shall return shortly."

With that, the Healer turned and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"I can't do it, Lucius," Narcissa cried. "I can't murder my own babies."

"I know, Narcissa," Lucius said softly, "but I don't want to lose you or another child either. I know that neither of us could endure another miscarriage. And what if you were to die but the child lived? I personally know how difficult that can be on a child."

Narcissa nodded her head in understanding. Lucius's mother had died in childbirth.

"Besides, we have a child already," Lucius continued, "and he is healthy and strong."

Lucius inclined his head at Draco, who was still sleeping soundly in Narcissa's arms. It was, after all, not yet nighttime, which was Draco's favorite time to be awake and fussy.

"However, it is your body and your health that we're talking about," Lucius then spoke. "The decision is yours, Narcissa, and I will respect whatever you decide. I know how much you want to have more children."

Narcissa didn't say anything for several moments, even though she already knew what decision she was going to make. And she knew, even though she wouldn't like it, that it would be the right decision considering the circumstances.

"I don't want to use the Potion," Narcissa finally spoke. "It could be easy to forget to take it, and it would feel too much as if I was personally killing the baby. The spells, though, don't feel quite as personal; and I will only be required to go through it just one time."

"You don't have to rush your decision, Narcissa," Lucius said gently.

"I can think about all I want," Narcissa replied, "but no amount of thinking is going to change the fact that it's too risky for me to ever get pregnant again."

Narcissa had to struggle not to cry.

"I'm sorry, Narcissa," Lucius breathed.

"Go get the Healer," Narcissa responded, her voice now hard and strong. "The sooner I get it over with, the better."

Lucius nodded his head. He then released his grip on Narcissa's hand and walked over to the closed door.


	9. Devotion

The procedure was quick and, for the most part, painless. It was exactly as the Healer had said it would be.

Narcissa came into St. Mungo's during the morning, and she was able to leave by the afternoon.

It also helped that Lucius had been able to come with her, which made Narcissa very grateful, especially considering that the Dark Lord had been keeping Lucius busy more often than usual as of late.

A part of Narcissa could not help but wonder, though, if Lucius had refused a summons just be with her. Especially considering that for quite a while now the Dark Lord had been summoning Lucius at least once or twice a day.

Narcissa could only hope that was not the case. As much as she appreciated Lucius's presence, she would never want her husband to suffer on her behalf.

Neither Lucius nor Narcissa, however, mentioned the Dark Lord. Narcissa respected what the Dark Lord was trying to do, but that didn't mean she had to talk about him.

Besides, Lucius also didn't seem to enjoy talking too much about his master. He liked to keep what he did for the Dark Lord separate from his life with Narcissa.

* * *

"I'm glad that it didn't take too long," Narcissa remarked to Lucius as they approached Black Manor. "I really don't like leaving Draco with my parents for too long, but I definitely didn't want to leave him with your father for more than just a few seconds. And I'm being very generous by just offering those few seconds."

Lucius could not help but grin. But he then quickly turned serious.

"How are you feeling?" he asked in concern.

"I'm not in any pain," Narcissa answered. "In fact, I feel like I normally do. But I am glad that it's over with. And that's the end of it. There's no point in thinking about it anymore. What's done is done."

Lucius just nodded his head.

Lucius and Narcissa then made the rest of their journey in silence.

* * *

"Back already?" Druella asked them after they had been shown into the drawing room by one of the house-elves. "I don't like it. The Healers should have kept you longer, Cissy, to make sure that you were all right. I'm going to have Cygnus mention this at the Ministry. This is unacceptable. You are a Pureblood. You deserve better than this quick service. It's disrespectful to both you and Lucius."

"I'm perfectly fine, Mother," Narcissa replied. "The procedure was quick and painless, just like it was supposed to be. And the Healers gave me a full check-up afterwards to make sure that there had not been any complications. There was no reason for me to stay any longer. How is Draco?"

"Fussy," Druella replied with a roll of her eyes. "He cried for at least an hour after you and Lucius left him here this morning."

"He probably just missed me," Narcissa responded. "This was the first time that he's been away from me for such an extended period of time."

"Then perhaps you need to spend more time away from him," Druella suggested. "Being too attached to you will only make him weak. As a male Pureblood and as a Malfoy, Draco has to be strong. He has to be able to stand on his own two feet."

"Draco isn't weak," Lucius spoke sharply. "And just to let you know, I don't tolerate my father criticizing how Narcissa chooses to raise Draco. So, I most definitely won't tolerate you criticizing my wife's decisions either."

"Of course, Lucius," Druella said quickly. "I did not mean to offend. I just want what's best for Draco, just like I know you do."

"Would you two like to stay for dinner?" Cygnus asked in an attempt to be diplomatic. "Draco is sleeping at the moment, so he won't be a problem. Besides, you two must be hungry. You have both had a long day."

"Thank you for the invitation, Father," Narcissa spoke, "but Lucius and I have already made plans for tonight."

"Of course," Cygnus replied. "Perhaps another time."

"I'll owl you," Narcissa offered.

* * *

"So, Narcissa, are you going to tell me about these plans that we have apparently made for tonight?" Lucius grinned teasingly at Narcissa as they walked down the pathway away from Black Manor.

"It was the only thing I could think of to get us out of there without losing dignity and propriety," Narcissa responded as she adjusted a sleeping Draco in her arms. "But there's no reason why we couldn't make any plans right now. It's been a while since we've been able to go out at night."

Lucius glanced down at his left forearm.

The sleeve of his robe had his arm completely covered, but Narcissa knew what lied underneath.

The Dark Mark. A Mark that often caused Lucius to have to leave Narcissa, regardless of whether or not they had made plans earlier.

The Dark Lord always came first.

"I did not mean to make you feel guilty, Lucius," Narcissa spoke. "I understand and accept the importance of your duty to the Dark Lord. I'm just glad that you were able to come with me today to St. Mungo's."

Narcissa's face then turned concerned. "The Dark Lord didn't summon you while we were there, did he, Lucius?"

"No, he didn't," Lucius said a little too quickly for Narcissa's liking.

It was a slight thing, but Narcissa was able to catch it. Everyone else would have missed it, but she didn't. It was only a rare occasion that either she or Lucius could successfully lie to the other.

"Well, I'm fine now," Narcissa spoke. "You should go to the Dark Lord."

Lucius's eyes widened for a brief moment, but then he nodded his head, accepting that he wouldn't be able to lie to his wife.

"How is it that you almost always know when I'm lying?" Lucius grumbled.

"I could ask the same question of you," Narcissa smiled. She then turned serious. "You really should go before he feels like he has to go find you himself. That will only make him angrier than he already is."

"Promise me that you will get some rest and that you won't worry too much about me," Lucius replied.

"I can promise to get some rest," Narcissa responded, "but I can't promise that I won't worry about you."

"I will be just fine, Narcissa," Lucius returned in a reassuring voice. "I will just tell the Dark Lord that I was busy at the Ministry when he summoned me, and that I wasn't able to get away without raising suspicion. And that won't be a complete lie. I was at the Ministry for a couple of hours before you woke up this morning. I will return to you as soon as I can, Narcissa. Take care of both yourself and Draco."

"I will," Narcissa promised. "Just worry about yourself, Lucius. Draco and I will be just fine."

Lucius gave Narcissa a quick kiss on her lips before bending down to give a still sleeping Draco a quick kiss on his forehead. He then Disapparated.

* * *

Narcissa touched her lips and, despite the fact that she was worried about Lucius's well-being, she could not help but smile. It had been a while since Lucius had kissed her. True, it had been a quick kiss, but it had been a kiss. And then he had kissed Draco as well.

After losing Ara and in between all the miscarriages, Narcissa had often been worried about losing Lucius's affection and love. He had often reassured her that would never happen (he had even been close to crying when Narcissa had suggested that it would be best for him if she left so that he could marry another woman in hopes that she would be able to successfully give him an heir), but Narcissa still had not been able to prevent herself from worrying.

Narcissa really was glad to have received such a direct, obvious sign that she did indeed still have Lucius's affection and love. And she was also glad to see that despite the fact that Lucius would always mourn for Ara and all the other babies (just like she would), he still had room in his heart for Draco.


	10. Fear

A slight feeling in the air caused Narcissa to waken one night. Her eyes fluttered open, and she noticed that Lucius was sliding into bed as softly and as quietly as possible.

Narcissa did not usually feel her husband's presence when he returned home during the middle of the night. She had yet to meet someone who was quieter than Lucius.

But a quick look at Lucius's face showed that he was clearly troubled by something, which probably was the reason why he had not entered the bedroom with his usual stealth.

"Narcissa," Lucius spoke softly, seeing that she was looking at him, "I did not mean to wake you."

"It's all right, Lucius," Narcissa replied. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"We both know that's not the truth," Narcissa responded. "Does it have to do with the Dark Lord?"

"Yes."

"I see."

Narcissa did not say anything further. Lucius did not keep many secrets from her, but before they had gotten married, they had come to the agreement that it would be for the best if she knew the least amount possible about his dealings with the Dark Lord. Just in case she was ever questioned.

"The Dark Lord is afraid about something," Lucius muttered.

"Surely not," Narcissa gasped in disbelief.

While Narcissa did not see the Dark Lord often in person, she couldn't imagine him being afraid of anything. It was just a foreign concept to her. To her, the Dark Lord was beyond feeling a normal human emotion such as fear.

"The Dark Lord has always had a quick temper," Lucius explained, "but lately he has been having even less patience or tolerance than usual. The slightest thing sets him off. That is not necessarily uncommon for him, but it has become noticeable to me that he doesn't have as much control over his emotions as he usually does.

"He has never been that forgiving, but he no longer waits to hear excuses. He just punishes us, even if we had not necessarily done anything wrong. And even more than usual, he has been giving us unreasonable orders. Something is clearly troubling him. Something is going on that he cannot control, and he does not like that. So, he strikes out at us with anger. My father is the same way when he doesn't get his way or when he isn't able to control something."

"Has the Dark Lord hurt you?" Narcissa asked in concern.

"Not tonight," Lucius answered. "I made sure not to draw any attention to myself. Avery, however, was not so fortunate."

"Well, Avery has always been a bit of an idiot," Narcissa said.

"That's true," Lucius smiled slightly.

"What now?" Narcissa pressed.

"I will do my best to keep the Dark Lord satisfied," Lucius replied. "I fear that is all I can do."

"Just keep yourself as safe as possible," Narcissa responded. "Don't do anything reckless."

"I will try my best," Lucius promised.

* * *

Months later, Narcissa heard the news that the Dark Lord had fallen at the hands of a baby.

Narcissa could not help but wonder if the Potters were what had made the Dark Lord so afraid. James and Lily Potter had definitely been killed personally by the Dark Lord, and it was clear that he had intended to kill their son as well. However, something had clearly went wrong.

Narcissa glanced over at Draco, who was crawling happily on the study floor, completely oblivious to the huge changes that had suddenly occurred in the Wizarding World.

Narcissa wished that she could have Draco's innocence.

She also wished that Lucius was at home.

It was no secret that the Aurors were rounding up all suspected Death Eaters. What if Lucius's name was to come up in their investigation? What would happen to him then? Would he be killed on the spot or would he be sent to Azkaban without a trial? Narcissa had to keep herself from howling at the thought of her beloved husband being forced to endure the horrors of Azkaban. And the thought of her precious Lucius being killed was just as horrible.

Narcissa knew how ruthless Barty Crouch Sr. was towards suspected Death Eaters. It didn't even need to be proven to him without a shadow of a doubt that a wizard was a Death Eater. All that was required for Crouch was that someone merely be suspected of being one.

"Calm yourself, Narcissa," she muttered to herself. "Lucius isn't like the others. He has power and influence in the Ministry. That has to be enough to keep him safe. It just has to be."

* * *

Narcissa had to struggle to keep her composure when she caught sight of her husband being led into the courtroom by dementors. He was then chained to the chair in the middle of the room, as if he was some sort of animal. Narcissa wanted to both cry in despair and scream in anger. She somehow managed, though, not to do either of those two things.

Narcissa was glad that she had decided to leave Draco with her parents. Draco had always been a sensitive, perceptive child, and he probably would have picked up on her inner stress and worry.

For his part, Lucius was sitting stiffly and rigidly, his posture completely perfect and straight. Even at a moment like this, his Pureblood upbringing and training would not be forgotten. And his face reflected the perfect combination of dignity and remorse. He was a proud Pureblood, but at the same time, he was horrified by what he had been accused of doing.

Lucius testified that he had been under the Imperius Curse and that he still had many gaps in his memory. He also spoke of the nightmares that he had been suffering from and how they had been keeping him from sleeping.

Narcissa testified that her husband had been acting differently lately. He had been distant from her, which was not like him. The thought that he might be a Death Eater, however, had not crossed her mind even once. Lucius was much too good of a man for that.

Narcissa was very good at acting like a naive, foolish woman when necessary.

There were several others whom were also quick to speak in Lucius's defense.

* * *

At the end, Lucius was cleared of all charges, and he was told that he was free to go.

Narcissa allowed herself to breathe ever so slightly in relief.


	11. Passion

Several Ministry officials wanted to congratulate Lucius on his "well-deserved" and "relieving" freedom.

Lucius and Narcissa both thanked their well-wishers with perfect grace.

The Aurors and several others openly glared angrily at Lucius as they passed by him, but Lucius just nodded his head politely at them.

And Narcissa made sure to do the same.

Eventually, though, Lucius and Narcissa were able to get away and to find an empty hallway in the Ministry.

* * *

"You're free," Narcissa smiled, tears of happiness glistering in her eyes. "You're free."

"Were you truly expecting a different outcome?" Lucius smirked.

"No, not really," Narcissa replied, "but you know how much I like to worry about you."

"And I appreciate your care and concern for me," Lucius responded, "but we are fine now. We should celebrate. It's been too long since we've been able to have time just to ourselves. That is, of course, if you don't mind leaving Draco with your parents for a little while longer."

Lucius's and Narcissa's eyes met.

Lucius felt something stiffening in his pants that he had not felt stiffen in a long time.

Narcissa felt a sensation stirring in her stomach that she had not felt stirring in a long time.

"No, I don't mind at all," Narcissa breathed. "We do need some time to ourselves. We _deserve_ some time to ourselves."

Lucius's and Narcissa's lips then met, and they began to kiss each other over and over again with a passion neither had been able to feel since before they had lost Ara.

Both Lucius and Narcissa reached for the buttons and belts securing their clothes.

Their shoulders quickly became bare.

"You know that someone could suddenly walk down this hallway," Narcissa moaned in pleasure as Lucius ran kisses down her neck and all the way down to the upper parts of her now exposed breasts.

"Does that bother you?" Lucius asked in a husky voice. "Because if it does, we can take this elsewhere. Like the Aurors' headquarters, for instance."

"Lucius, you are bold," Narcissa giggled. "But you know how angry they are that you were cleared of all charges. If they caught sight of us naked in their headquarters, they would probably try to hex you."

"Or they would try to admire your exquisite body," Lucius growled, "and there's no way I'm going to allow that to happen. You're mine and mine alone."

"I never knew you could get so jealous when it comes to me," Narcissa smiled coyly.

"Are you honestly telling me that you never get jealous when another woman dares to look at me?" Lucius smirked teasingly.

"Those women can no longer see," Narcissa grinned, "so they aren't a problem to me."

Lucius laughed. He then purred, "Come with me. The courtroom should be empty by now, and the next trail isn't for another couple of hours."

It was Narcissa's turn to laugh. "You truly are bold, Lucius."

"And how does that make you feel?" Lucius asked.

Narcissa twisted one of Lucius's nipples. "Let's go to the courtroom," she breathed, "and I'll show you personally how your boldness makes me feel."

Lucius grinned in pure delight.


	12. Apprehension

Narcissa was awakened suddenly one night by the sound of her husband gasping in both pain and surprise beside her.

"Lucius, what's wrong?" Narcissa asked in concern, reaching for her wand.

"_Lumos,"_ she then spoke.

A beam of light shot out of her wand and landed on Lucius, who was tentatively rolling up his left sleeve.

Narcissa's eyes widened. That could only mean one thing.

The Dark Lord had returned.

And indeed, the Dark Mark on Lucius's left forearm (which had been faded and barely visible since the Dark Lord's fall) was now once again dark and noticeable. It wasn't quite as dark as Narcissa remembered it being in its prime, but it was definitely clear that the Dark Lord was slowly but surely regaining power and strength.

"Lucius," Narcissa breathed, the fear in her voice clear.

Even though Narcissa had supported her husband and the cause that he had fought for, she had never liked how it had often required Lucius to be away from her and in constant danger.

She had never liked how the Dark Lord had often come in between her and her husband.

* * *

"We both knew there was a chance that he might one day return," Lucius spoke. "The Mark, after all, has never went away fully. It has just been faded all these years."

"What are we going to do?" Narcissa asked. "The Dark Lord isn't going to be happy when he finds out that you never looked for him."

"No, he isn't," Lucius admitted, "but I'm also not the only Death Eater who didn't search for him. Besides, the Dark Lord needs an army, and he can't afford to lose any of us. I will be fine, Narcissa. I will just have to remind the Dark Lord of my usefulness and value."

"What does this mean for Draco?" Narcissa pressed. "The Dark Lord made it clear before his fall that he wanted to one day have our son in his service."

"Draco is still a child," Lucius tried to reassure his wife.

"But he won't be a child for much longer," Narcissa replied, "and I fear that this now upcoming war will not be over before Draco graduates from Hogwarts. Just look at how long the war went on the last time. _We_ grew up in the shadow of that war. Draco is just a boy, Lucius. He is not ready for any of this."

"I know he isn't," Lucius breathed, "and I will try my best to make sure that the Dark Lord knows this. Draco is not like me, and it surely will not take the Dark Lord long to figure that out. The Dark Lord needs warriors, and Draco is no warrior. It will be pointless for the Dark Lord to try to recruit him."

Lucius looked at Narcissa as he was speaking, in hopes that he was doing a better job of reassuring her than he was with reassuring himself.

By the look on Narcissa's face, however, his efforts had not been fully successful.

Narcissa, though, just nodded her head.

"I know that you will do your best to keep our son safe, Lucius," she spoke, "and that's all I can ask of you."

* * *

Lucius wanted to tell Narcissa that everything was going to be just fine, but he knew those words would be nothing but empty lies.

Lucius had been a "gift" from his father to the Dark Lord.

The Dark Lord had viewed Draco in the same way.

But Lucius had not been lying to his wife when he had said that Draco was nothing like him. Lucius had been raised to serve the Dark Lord. Draco had not. And even though Draco spoke the words that were in support of blood purity, Lucius knew that Draco's heart was not the same as his mouth.

In more ways than one, Draco was a child.

It was times like these that Draco really reminded Lucius of Regulus.

Regulus had died before the Dark Lord's fall.

_But Draco won't suffer that same fate,_ Lucius swore to himself. _I will keep him safe, no matter what it takes, no matter what I must suffer. _

Lucius looked over at Narcissa's pale, frightened face.

The thought of losing Draco was bad enough to Lucius, but the thought of losing Narcissa was too much for him to bear.

_You're not going to lose her or Draco,_ Lucius told himself. _Everything is going to be just fine. Everything has to be just fine._


	13. Uneasiness

It did not take long after the Dark Lord had "officially" returned for things to go back to the way they had been during the First Wizarding War. Lucius was away from the manor even more than usual. And it quickly became a common occurrence for Lucius to be summoned by his master during the middle of the night.

Narcissa quickly became use to waking up alone in the morning. On most days, she considered herself fortunate if she was able to share one meal a day with her husband.

Narcissa tried to distract herself by spending more time with Draco, but every time she looked at her son, she found herself thinking about what would happen to him if the Dark Lord did recruit him.

Lucius assured her whenever she asked (and she asked at least twice a week) that the Dark Lord had not yet shown any interest in Draco, but that was only a small comfort to Narcissa. The Dark Lord was once again taking her husband away from her, and there was nothing to stop him from taking her son away from her as well.

* * *

Lucius should have been happy. He had been disappointed that the Dark Lord had not succeeded all those years ago. At the same time, though, Lucius had been glad that the war was finally over. He had never been a fan of warfare, as he preferred diplomacy over bloodshed whenever possible.

At the moment, there was no open warfare, as the Dark Lord wanted to operate in secrecy. That should have made Lucius happy, as he had always preferred subtlety. But Lucius knew that no matter how much of an idiot Fudge was, the Dark Lord's return would eventually be revealed to the Wizarding World.

Then, there would once again be open warfare.

Lucius knew that sometimes war was necessary to accomplish one's goals, but that still didn't mean that he had to like war. As far as he was concerned, a true Slytherin operated from the shadows as much as possible. An enemy was harder to defeat if you could never find them.

But with the Dark Lord back, war was definitely on the horizon. The Dark Lord had never been one to appreciate politics.

And even though the Dark Lord had yet to ask much about Draco, Lucius was still afraid that one day his master would take more of an interest in his son.

All Lucius could do was try to keep the Dark Lord as satisfied as possible. If Lucius could show his master that his servitude was enough, then perhaps the Dark Lord would end up leaving Draco alone for the most part.

* * *

Narcissa supposed she should have been ashamed of herself for not feeling more joy when Bellatrix escaped from Azkaban, especially considering that Narcissa had definitely missed her sister for a time after she had first been imprisoned in Azkaban. Narcissa, after all, had been used to seeing Bellatrix from time to time.

But the passage of time had definitely changed their relationship, especially considering they had never really been that close. Bellatrix had often been cruel to Narcissa when they had been children. It was hard, therefore, for Narcissa to be truly happy to see Bellatrix despite the fact that Bellatrix was family.

Perhaps it was more painful because Bellatrix was family. Narcissa, for instance, still thought about Andromeda at times.

But to put it all simply, Narcissa was not as thrilled as perhaps she should have been that Bellatrix was back in her life.

And it didn't help matters when it quickly became clear to Narcissa that Bellatrix was even more devoted and obsessed with the Dark Lord than she had been before her imprisonment in Azkaban, if such a thing was possible.

Bellatrix also didn't care that Narcissa was worried about something bad happening to Lucius. Bellatrix had always chided Narcissa in the past for being too attached to Lucius and for feeling too much affection towards him, and it did not take long for Bellatrix to step back into her old routine.

"You should be honoured that the Dark Lord still wants your husband's services," Bellatrix told Narcissa one day, "especially considering that Lucius abandoned the Dark Lord in his time of need. You should be grateful that the Dark Lord is as merciful as he is, giving Lucius another chance to prove himself."

Narcissa didn't even both with trying to argue with Bellatrix, as she knew that it would be pointless.

* * *

Bellatrix also didn't care that Narcissa was worried about the Dark Lord wanting Draco's services as well.

Narcissa even caught Bellatrix telling Draco one night about the wonders of the Dark Lord. And to Narcissa's horror, Draco had looked entranced by his aunt's speech.

"You have done a fine job with Draco," Bellatrix remarked to Narcissa soon after. "He is eager to see this world rid of the Muggle and Mudblood filth."

Narcissa just nodded her head.

* * *

One night when Lucius was actually at home (truly a rare occasion as of late), Narcissa asked him if the Dark Lord had been asking about Draco recently.

"The Dark Lord has barely mentioned Draco," Lucius said. "His biggest concern was whether or not we had been raising Draco right. I assured him that we had taught Draco the importance of blood purity, and that was enough to satisfy the Dark Lord."

Narcissa just nodded her head.

"If the Dark Lord ever shows more of an interest in Draco," Lucius spoke, "I will try my best to convince him that it would be for the best if Draco didn't serve him in the same capacity as I do."

Narcissa just nodded her head again.

"You look tired, Narcissa," Lucius suddenly remarked. "You need to get some rest."

"You look more exhausted than I do, Lucius," Narcissa replied. "I wish the Dark Lord did not require you to be away from home so often. I worry about you so much."

Lucius looked around their bedroom, as if checking to make sure that they were truly alone.

"You must be careful with what you say, Narcissa," he warned. "I don't like being away from you either, but the Dark Lord might consider your words to be treasonous. He doesn't like anyone disagreeing with anything that he does. And don't forget that Bellatrix is near. She may be your sister, but if she thinks that you're speaking against the Dark Lord, she won't hesitate to tell him. The Dark Lord must see you as being loyal to him, Narcissa."

"Of course," Narcissa replied.

Lucius's face softened. "You're not the only one who's worried," he said gently. "I worry about you as well, just like I worry about Draco."

"I know, Lucius," Narcissa responded. "But can you at least promise me that you will always be as careful as possible?"

"I am not Bellatrix," Lucius responded with a slight smile.

Narcissa could not help but smile at her husband's statement. Lucius had always been good at saying the right words to make her feel better.

"We both should get some rest while we can," Lucius then spoke. "Try to sleep well, Narcissa."

"You too, Lucius," Narcissa replied.

A moment later, Narcissa was surprised but also touched when Lucius gave her a kiss on her lips.

Lucius then lied down to sleep. But before he could close his eyes, Narcissa reached over and gave him a kiss in return.


	14. Doubt

Lucius watched as Narcissa changed into a nightdress, but he did not undress. Instead, he just stood there, as stiff as any statue, some distance away from their bed.

Some distance away from his wife.

Narcissa paused to look at her husband in concern.

"Lucius," she spoke in a hesitant voice.

"What do you feel when you look at me?" Lucius asked.

"What? Why would you ask a question like that, Lucius?"

"I have no wand," Lucius breathed. "I might as well not be a wizard."

"Oh, Lucius," Narcissa said softly, "wand or no wand, you're still Lucius."

"Not lately," Lucius replied. "Lately, I have done nothing but make a mess out of everything. And now I don't even have a wand."

"You can have my wand if you'll like," Narcissa offered. "I really don't use it that often."

"No," Lucius said sharply. "The Dark Lord might find out about that, and he would punish you. Besides, I feel better knowing that you have some form of protection."

"And what about you?" Narcissa pressed.

"It's my fault I no longer have a wand, not yours," Lucius responded. "I deserve what I'm getting, but you haven't done anything wrong."

"If I recall correctly," Narcissa spoke, "you were not the only one at the Department of Mysteries."

"But I was the one who was supposed to be the leader," Lucius returned, "and the Dark Lord is not used to me failing. He expects better out of me."

"You don't deserve to be punished, Lucius," Narcissa said softly. "You didn't deserve it with your father, and you definitely don't deserve it with the Dark Lord either. And don't you dare say that the Dark Lord is punishing you like this because it's for your own good and because he wants to _encourage_ you to do better in the future. Don't allow the Dark Lord to continue with you what your father started."

Lucius did not speak for several moments. Then, he said, "You have not yet answer my question. What do you feel when you look at me? You have to think lesser of me. You have to be upset with me. Have you seen how pale you are, Narcissa? You're that pale because of all my failures. The Dark Lord wouldn't be invading our house like this if not for all my failures. So, what do you feel when you look at me?"

"While you were in Azkaban," Narcissa replied, "I was too busy with missing you to be angry at you. And now, I'm just relieved that both you and Draco are still all right. And like I said earlier, what happened at the Department of Mysteries cannot be blamed on you. Other Death Eaters were there as well. _Bella_ was there as well for crying out loud. And it's certainly not your fault that Dumbledore's precious Order showed up. From what I've heard, you would have been successful in your mission if the Order had not shown up. The Dark Lord should not be punishing you and you alone."

Narcissa then climbed into bed. "Come, Lucius," she said gently. "We both should get some sleep while we can."

"I'm not tired," Lucius responded.

Narcissa sighed. "You want to know what I feel when I look at you. All right, I'll tell you. I feel the same love that I've felt for you since we were children. I've seen you at both your highest and your lowest moments, Lucius. You've seen _me_ at both my highest and my lowest moments. We've been through too much together to fall apart now. What must I do to prove to you, Lucius, that I don't hate you or anything like that?"

"You don't have to prove anything to me, Narcissa," Lucius muttered.

He then slowly undressed to his underclothes before climbing into bed with his wife.

Lucius just laid there for several moments. Neither he nor Narcissa spoke a word.

Then, Lucius hesitantly reached for Narcissa's hand. To his relief, she did not try to pull away. Instead, she gasped his hand in return.

"I need you, Narcissa," Lucius spoke. "I would be completely lost without you."

"As would I," Narcissa replied, "and don't you ever forget that."

Lucius pushed his body closer to Narcissa's until they were touching. He then wrapped an arm around her waist and waited to see how she would react.

Narcissa tilted her head and laid it on Lucius's bare chest. She then gently placed one of her hands on his chest as well.

Narcissa felt her husband stiffen slightly from her touch.

"Did you truly think that I wouldn't have missed you?" Narcissa asked. "I missed you every single moment that you were away. What must I do to prove that to you?"

"Just let me hold you," Lucius replied.

"Yes," Narcissa breathed. "It's nice to have you back in this big bed with me. I truly am glad that you're home, Lucius."

"I'm glad to be back. I've missed you as well."


	15. Disgust

**Author's Note****: This takes place after my other story "You Will Always Be My Favorite."**

* * *

Lucius had once been eager to feel her touch, if only to reassure himself that she did not feel disgust or hatred towards him.

Now, though, just the threat of her touch was enough to make him jumpy. It was almost as if Lucius was afraid to be touched by her, and that definitely was not like him.

Most people saw Lucius as being cold, but Narcissa knew from personal experience just how passionate he could be.

Now, though, that passion was completely gone. And Lucius had become almost like an empty shell.

* * *

Lucius felt completely disgusted with himself. He could still vividly feel the Dark Lord's hands all over his naked body.

Lucius could not help but feel like he should have fought harder, even though the Dark Lord had threatened to do the same to Narcissa and Draco if he had tried to resist.

Still, though, Lucius could not help but feel weak and pathetic. He was a Pureblood. He was supposed to be better than this. But lately, he had been reduced to nothing more than the Dark Lord's plaything. He was nothing more than an object to be humiliated and tortured whenever the Dark Lord needed either a source of amusement or something to release his frustrations on.

Lucius should be stronger than this. He should be strong enough to deny the Dark Lord his sick, twisted wishes, while also managing to keep Narcissa and Draco safe.

But he wasn't strong enough. He was completely worthless.

* * *

Lucius could feel Narcissa's concerned eyes on him.

Lucius looked up from the chair where he was sitting. He had placed it some distance away from the bed, where Narcissa was lying.

How could Narcissa still worry about him like this? How could Narcissa still care about him? And would she be looking at him with disgust instead of concern if she knew what had happened between him and the Dark Lord?

How could Narcissa not be disgusted with him if she was to ever find out the truth?

* * *

"Lucius," Narcissa spoke suddenly, "I know it has to be uncomfortable for you to sleep in that chair."

"I can always sleep on the couch in my study," Lucius responded with a casual shrug of his shoulders. "That couch is actually pretty comfortable."

Narcissa sighed. "Lucius, talk to me. Don't shut me out like this. Please, say something."

Lucius knew there was no way that he could convince his wife that nothing was wrong. He had rarely been able to lie to her.

Lucius, therefore, decided to say in a sharp voice, "I don't want to talk about it."

Before she could help herself, Narcissa flinched slightly at the venom in her husband's voice. It was not often he spoke harshly towards her.

"I'm sorry," Lucius quickly said. "I did not mean to take that tone of voice with you, Narcissa. You didn't deserve that."

"It's all right, Lucius," Narcissa replied in a soft voice. "I should not have pried like that."

Narcissa then laid down on her and Lucius's marriage bed. It felt so empty without him on it with her.

* * *

From the chair, Lucius watched his wife with sad, regretful eyes. He knew that he wasn't being fair towards her. He knew that it wasn't her fault that he was nothing but a disgrace and a failure.

He knew that it wasn't her fault that he felt so disgusted with himself.

It was the Dark Lord who had hurt him, not Narcissa.

* * *

Lucius suddenly remembered his and Narcissa's first time together. It had been dark in the Slytherin Common Room. And for a few brief moments, Lucius had thought it was the Dark Lord coming towards him instead of Narcissa.

Lucius remembered that he had ran away.

_But you eventually returned,_ a voice inside his head said, _and what happened next between you and Narcissa was beyond amazing._

Back then, Lucius had not allowed the Dark Lord to take away his chance of happiness with Narcissa.

But now, Lucius could no longer enjoy even a gentle touch from his wife.

The Dark Lord's touches were not always rough. In fact, the Dark Lord often began with nothing but gentleness and tenderness.

Lucius shook his head. Had he truly become this pathetic? Was he really going to allow the Dark Lord to come between him and Narcissa acting as husband and wife?

Lucius once again looked at Narcissa. Despite everything, she was still as beautiful and as strong as she had ever been.

Unlike him. He didn't deserve her. She deserved so much better than him.

* * *

Before his mind fully realized what he was doing, Lucius got up from his chair and walked over to his and Narcissa's marriage bed.

"Narcissa," Lucius spoke in a soft voice, "would it be all right if I joined you in bed?"

"This is your bed just as much as it is mine," Narcissa replied. "Besides, this bed is much too big for me to be sleeping on it all by myself."

* * *

Narcissa managed to keep herself from patting the bed, as she had noticed that always made Lucius even more uncomfortable than he already was whenever he was around her.

It didn't use to be that way, but lately it had been.

And it was all because of the Dark Lord.

Narcissa knew that her childhood had not been nearly as traumatic as Lucius's had been, but she wasn't completely naïve either. She could connect the dots.

She had a good idea of what exactly the Dark Lord had been doing to her husband, even though not that long ago the thought of it would have seemed completely impossible and ludicrous to her.

Narcissa burned with inner anger, but she did not dare say to her husband that she knew why he was behaving the way that he was. She knew that he already felt embarrassed and disgusted with himself, and she didn't want to increase his feelings of shame.

Narcissa also knew how proud her husband was. It would do no good to tell him that she was only disgusted with the Dark Lord but not with him.

Lucius, however, was stubbornly insisting on blaming himself for everything. Narcissa had no doubt he had allowed the Dark Lord to violate him under the threat that if he didn't allow it to happen, then the Dark Lord would go after her and Draco.

Narcissa was proud of her husband for doing whatever it took to keep her and Draco safe, but she knew that Lucius would not see it that way. Sometimes, he really was much too stubborn and proud for his own good.

But then again, the same could be said of her, so Narcissa could not fault her husband for being the way that he was.

* * *

Lucius climbed into bed next to Narcissa and he looked over at her.

Even though her nightdress was not sheer (she was a proper Pureblood woman, after all), the dress still did not fail to empathize her body's perfect shape and all its voluptuous curves.

She was everything a man could ever want.

But Lucius was allowing his fear and his disgust of himself to keep him from enjoying the flesh of his own wife.

He was allowing the Dark Lord to get in the way of him and his wife.

* * *

Lucius reached out and gently laid a hand on Narcissa's abdomen.

She stiffened slightly in surprise, but she didn't try to pull away. Nor did she react negatively in any way.

"Narcissa," Lucius spoke in a husky voice.

* * *

Narcissa looked over at her husband with sad eyes. She knew what he wanted. She knew that he wanted to prove to both her and himself that he was stronger than the Dark Lord's abuse.

But Narcissa also knew that Lucius was not yet ready for this.

* * *

"Lucius," Narcissa said, "do you remember how it was when we first lost Ara? I insisted to you that I was ready to try for another baby, but you knew that I wasn't. I felt like I had to prove that I was stronger than my grief, but you knew better. You showed me that I had nothing to prove. You showed me that I wasn't weak for allowing myself time to grieve. Well, now it's _my_ turn to tell you that you have nothing to prove to me or to yourself."

Lucius did not remove his hand, but he didn't do anything else either.

"Give it time, Lucius," Narcissa said, gently placing a hand over his, "just like we both gave it time after Ara's death."

Narcissa looked at her husband straight in his eyes as she spoke.

* * *

Lucius looked at Narcissa's hand, which was now resting comfortably on top of his.

But he didn't try to pull it away. Instead, he allowed himself to relax ever so slightly for the first time in weeks.

* * *

"We managed to recover from the tragedy of losing our daughter," Narcissa spoke. "We will recover from this as well."

Lucius looked at her for several moments with no reaction.

Then, he finally nodded his head.


	16. Love

Even though it had been a few months, there were still times Lucius thought that he had to be dreaming. Surely it wasn't possible that the Dark Lord was truly dead and that he and his family no longer had to fear for their lives.

But the Dark Lord was dead, while Lucius was safe and alive, along with his wife and son.

And they were also free. Apparently, Potter had felt honoured-bound to Narcissa after she had lied about him being dead, an act which had clearly played a role in the Dark Lord's own death.

Lucius was glad more than words could ever express that he, Narcissa, and Draco had survived the war. There were so many times when they should have died. But they hadn't. They had lived while the Dark Lord had died.

* * *

Lucius looked over at his wife, who was lying beside him on their marriage bed. There was a slight smile on her face.

Lucius could not help but smile as well. It had been too long since either of them had any reason to smile.

With only slight hesitation, Lucius reached for Narcissa's hand. And to his absolute joy, she squeezed his hand with obvious affection. She also smiled encouragingly at him.

And for the first time in months, Lucius did not flinch at all. He knew that he was not yet fully recovered from what he had suffered at the Dark Lord's hands, but he also knew that there was no way that he was going to allow even the Dark Lord's memory to come between him and Narcissa.

Besides, the Dark Lord was dead, while Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco were still alive. The Malfoys had won in the end.

Still, though, Lucius sometimes could not fully believe his great fortune. He didn't deserve Narcissa after all the pain that he had caused her and Draco to suffer, but she had never abandoned him, not even for a moment.

* * *

Lucius remembered when he had once asked Narcissa why she had never left him or had never tried to run away from the situation that he had placed her and Draco in.

Narcissa had looked shocked by his question.

"You have always been there for me whenever I had needed your support and comfort," she had then said. "Now it's _my_ turn to be there for you. We are more than just husband and wife, Lucius. We are also friends, and friends do not abandon each other in a time of need. We will get through this together, just like we have been doing since we were children."

* * *

They had definitely endured a lot of ups and downs in their relationship, but there also no denying that every tragedy they had suffered had only served to strengthen their bond with each other.

Lucius was not naive. He knew that most likely things would not always be this good for him, Narcissa, and Draco, especially with all the changes being made in the Ministry that were in favor of the Muggle-borns.

But Lucius also knew that he would always be able to count on Narcissa's support. And he intended to make sure that Narcissa always knew that she could count on his support as well. From now on, he would once again be there for her just like she had been there for him when he had truly needed her.

As long as they stood together, there was nothing that could defeat them.

* * *

"I'm glad to have you here with me, Narcissa," Lucius said softly.

"I'm glad to have you here with me too, Lucius," Narcissa whispered back.


End file.
